Remember sitting down with your peanut butter sandwich at lunch and listening to some hot-shot 8 year old tell you that their dad is currently flying his own private plane over the Maldives with all the Spice Girls? And then that funny little child mind of yours decides that it is necessary to turn this into a competition. So, you outshine hot-shot child with a riveting tale of your father living in the biggest house in New York with 80 maids and has parties every night with up and coming bands that are so much cooler than the aforementioned Spice Girls...
I was very happy moving into my teens and the embellishment could be toned down to a believable level. Except as I move into the adult world these crazy, dramatic competitive spiels have come back! This time however, it's not about your daddy but about your baby...
Maybe you have to have kids to fully understand this attempt to out-do each other, but i just do not get it. The most recent trend is about the intelligence of your child. I had a lady come into the store the other day with her son. Her son was about 8 years old and she was buying him an awful lot of stationery considering HES EIGHT! I have a sneaking suspicion she noticed the look of shock that came over my face as she piled $300 worth of books and pens onto the counter for her small child. She looked at me and with a glimmer of challenge in her eye said "He's intellectually gifted and has just been accepted into the Opportunity Class program." And this is when it all begins. Being oblivious to the challenge i replied "Oh, I was in a class similar to that..."
Little did I know that I had now declared warfare on her child.
"Ah, probably not" she replied "It's only available at his school, which is a boys only primary school by the way. It took months of character tests and examinations. He's highly accelerated and thus needs to be prepared from a rigorous study schedule".
A study schedule? In fact, a rigorous one. He's in primary school! Where they still colour things in! I remember being eight and a book report would involve making a diorama out of an old shoe box and some badly placed cellophane.
Having finally cottoned on to exactly what kind of conversation we were having I intelligently backed off for fear this would escalate into a hair pulling, lady on lady battle. I escaped unharmed, however some are not so lucky.
Many a time I have seen one women mention the mental prowess of her child to another and a battle ensues not dissimilar to the war of attrition. Problem is no one wins. Everyone leaves with a bruised ego and bewildered child.
So, if you think your child is the second coming of Jesus, with the mind of Einstein, leadership qualities of Churchill and sporting prowess rivaling Usain Bolt, keep it to yourself.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tax
As a child I had absolutely no idea what tax was. But I do remember my grandmother saying; "There are three things in life that are guaranteed: birth, death and taxes." I didn't realised however that what is also guaranteed is people whinging about taxes.
Every single person who is earning a living appears to hate taxes. They despise taxes as if it is someone personally steals a couple hundred from their bank account every fortnight. Now this whinging I can tolerate to a certain extent. As I now earn my own living I know how annoying it is to desperately sneak out the calculator mid shift to figure out what the next pay check will come in at, and then when it does it's not as much as I actually earned. Annoying. Agreed.
However, as I start to socialise with more and more adults I have found a brand new strain of taxation whinging. People whinging about how their tax is being spent. Oh dear God people, give it a rest. At least idle chit chat about the weather is slightly more invigorating. According to them their money has been stolen and now they want to decide how its been spent. If their tax is not being spent on something that benefits them it is a "total waste of taxpayer dollars" (insert exasperated tone). If it happens to be a freeway right on their way to work it is instead a comment of "Finally something useful has been done with my hard earned money".
All I have to say is that it confuses me to tears. We all know we have to pay tax and we all know that it gets used and we have absolutely no say about where it goes or what it pays for. So stop worrying. Seriously, give that scary, bulging vein in your head a rest.
Besides, you get some back in at end of financial year.
Every single person who is earning a living appears to hate taxes. They despise taxes as if it is someone personally steals a couple hundred from their bank account every fortnight. Now this whinging I can tolerate to a certain extent. As I now earn my own living I know how annoying it is to desperately sneak out the calculator mid shift to figure out what the next pay check will come in at, and then when it does it's not as much as I actually earned. Annoying. Agreed.
However, as I start to socialise with more and more adults I have found a brand new strain of taxation whinging. People whinging about how their tax is being spent. Oh dear God people, give it a rest. At least idle chit chat about the weather is slightly more invigorating. According to them their money has been stolen and now they want to decide how its been spent. If their tax is not being spent on something that benefits them it is a "total waste of taxpayer dollars" (insert exasperated tone). If it happens to be a freeway right on their way to work it is instead a comment of "Finally something useful has been done with my hard earned money".
All I have to say is that it confuses me to tears. We all know we have to pay tax and we all know that it gets used and we have absolutely no say about where it goes or what it pays for. So stop worrying. Seriously, give that scary, bulging vein in your head a rest.
Besides, you get some back in at end of financial year.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Adult Tanties
It is often annoying to see little kids throwing a massive tantrum on the floor of the supermarket. It is actually entertaining though to watch every attempt to make them stop. It is then very interesting watching a parent or grandparent explain why this behaviour is wrong and what the alternative way of dealing with these feelings are.
These are the main reasons I find adult tantrums so absolutely hilarious. Parents follow this pattern with their children; of witnessing, dealing with and solving a tantrum. And yet it is so often I see parents unable to vent their feeling properly and fly into a tantrum. However, with an adult you cannot blame this on the fact that "it's food time" or "they're very tired". That is no excuse for an adult to spit the dummy and stomp their feeties.
The most famous example of this recently is the late passenger in Hong Kong airport who kicks and wails and rolls on the floor and screams. All examples of behaviour we usually see in children. I have a sneaking suspicion that when the aforementioned lady flew off the handle the little switch in her brain that reminds her that she is an adult and EVERYBODY is watching flicked over and she resorted back to her 2 year old self. I have no idea how this could possibly happen. Especially over something like missing a flight. I can understand if a family member dies or something and you become distraught. But this is like crying over spilt milk.
I have experienced an adult tantie recently at work. A woman demanded a refund which I declined and then she proceeded to slam her items on the counter and refuse to leave till I refunded them. I was fighting back laughter. What an immature thing to do! Adults of all people should be able to understand situations from both sides.I don't decline a refund for no particular reason. I personally would ask why, present my rebuttal, try and see their side and then if still declined a refund, I'd leave. If I truly believed I was entitled to a refund I would call the manager. I would not stamp or moan or make random insults about the sales assistant or company.
I find this the most fascinating thing I have discovered about adults since I started this blog. It amazes me how easily some people lose their temper when they spend the entire time lecturing everyone else about it...
These are the main reasons I find adult tantrums so absolutely hilarious. Parents follow this pattern with their children; of witnessing, dealing with and solving a tantrum. And yet it is so often I see parents unable to vent their feeling properly and fly into a tantrum. However, with an adult you cannot blame this on the fact that "it's food time" or "they're very tired". That is no excuse for an adult to spit the dummy and stomp their feeties.
The most famous example of this recently is the late passenger in Hong Kong airport who kicks and wails and rolls on the floor and screams. All examples of behaviour we usually see in children. I have a sneaking suspicion that when the aforementioned lady flew off the handle the little switch in her brain that reminds her that she is an adult and EVERYBODY is watching flicked over and she resorted back to her 2 year old self. I have no idea how this could possibly happen. Especially over something like missing a flight. I can understand if a family member dies or something and you become distraught. But this is like crying over spilt milk.
I have experienced an adult tantie recently at work. A woman demanded a refund which I declined and then she proceeded to slam her items on the counter and refuse to leave till I refunded them. I was fighting back laughter. What an immature thing to do! Adults of all people should be able to understand situations from both sides.I don't decline a refund for no particular reason. I personally would ask why, present my rebuttal, try and see their side and then if still declined a refund, I'd leave. If I truly believed I was entitled to a refund I would call the manager. I would not stamp or moan or make random insults about the sales assistant or company.
I find this the most fascinating thing I have discovered about adults since I started this blog. It amazes me how easily some people lose their temper when they spend the entire time lecturing everyone else about it...
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sheild your eyes!
I can truly appreciate the advantages of sunglasses. They have many wonderful skills that do not end at saving your eyes from all those nasty UVA, UVB and UVWXY and Z rays out their doing there very best to kills us early. They can in fact hide tears, cure a hangover, disguise you from an ex and make you feel a little bit famous. BUT, essentially they are there to wear outdoors to protect your little, delicate eyes from the sun. Not indoors and not when you are speaking to me.
Recently I have had many women come into my shop and leave their sunglasses on whilst having a good half and hour chat or shop. Or in some cases half an hour of them demanding and me running around and up and down a ladder.
Now, my shop is on the uppermost level of the shopping complex. So it's not as if these women have just walked out of the sun and are going to remove their glasses.I am not housing super bright lights insight my shop nor do i have paparazzi flashing these women as soon as they walk through the door.
To be honest I have no idea why these women leave their glasses on. Absolutely no clue! All I know is that it's rude. I feel like I'm explaining the pros and cons of the product to a brick wall!
So ladies, please take them off. Or a least say something if you have to where them. We will probably look at you and seem like we are searching, we are, we're searching for your eyes! If you catch us doing this just say;
"Sorry about the glasses, bit of a sensitive eye"
"Sorry about the glasses, they're transition lenses and they just won't change!"
"Sorry about the glasses, it's very bright in here"
"Sorry about the glasses, I'm posh and hoity-toity and can't bear to make eye contact!"
Recently I have had many women come into my shop and leave their sunglasses on whilst having a good half and hour chat or shop. Or in some cases half an hour of them demanding and me running around and up and down a ladder.
Now, my shop is on the uppermost level of the shopping complex. So it's not as if these women have just walked out of the sun and are going to remove their glasses.I am not housing super bright lights insight my shop nor do i have paparazzi flashing these women as soon as they walk through the door.
To be honest I have no idea why these women leave their glasses on. Absolutely no clue! All I know is that it's rude. I feel like I'm explaining the pros and cons of the product to a brick wall!
So ladies, please take them off. Or a least say something if you have to where them. We will probably look at you and seem like we are searching, we are, we're searching for your eyes! If you catch us doing this just say;
"Sorry about the glasses, bit of a sensitive eye"
"Sorry about the glasses, they're transition lenses and they just won't change!"
"Sorry about the glasses, it's very bright in here"
"Sorry about the glasses, I'm posh and hoity-toity and can't bear to make eye contact!"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Kids+white pants=silly adults
Every single time you turn on the television there is an advertisement reminding you just how grubby children are. As if we didn't already know. However, despite these constant reminders from the television plus that nagging voice of your mother in the back of your mind about how grubby you yourself are every time you go to put on anything white, parents still insist on dressing little children in white clothes.
I work in retail, and thus get to observe the human condition on a daily basis. It is here in the eastern suburbs shopping complex that you see the most white panted children. All chased after by their immaculately dressed mothers and nannies. You see, it is a certain type of parent, mothers in particular, who insist on dressing their kids in white.
It is entirely beyond me why your child should look like a small model. They don't want to be dressed like that- they don't care! I love seeing kids in fairy outfits or dinosaur costumes at the shops because it means they got to pick their own clothes. I can understand dressing them for something important like weddings etc. or dressing them in something practical so they don’t trip over themselves or get a chill. But for a trip to the shops...I really think parents need to reassess who they are dressing their children for. They are not a fashion accessory nor are people judging you based on the look of your child, especially not someone who has children themselves- they know exactly the World War you went through just to negotiate Bob the Builder undies this morning.
My qualm with white is not that I don't like the colour; it's lovely if you can keep food off it. Kids are dirty and some times cannot even keep their mushed pumpkin inside their mouth. And as they get older, sure, they can eat fairly neatly but insist on playing on the ground or with dirt. And even the simplest things such as wiping their organic, 100% preservative, colour and taste free food down the front of their pants because they are yet to learn the social importance of a napkin. This is where white pants are impractical.
Mothers; save you and your maid the extra Nappysan and dress the kids in a colour that hides the joys of being a child. Being a child is the only time of your life that you are aloud to sit on the shop floor playing with matchbox cars, run around inside the clothing racks and wipe that dirt from tadpole catching on your pants, so don't stifle that fun. Kids are growing up too fast; don't push it that little bit quicker.
I work in retail, and thus get to observe the human condition on a daily basis. It is here in the eastern suburbs shopping complex that you see the most white panted children. All chased after by their immaculately dressed mothers and nannies. You see, it is a certain type of parent, mothers in particular, who insist on dressing their kids in white.
It is entirely beyond me why your child should look like a small model. They don't want to be dressed like that- they don't care! I love seeing kids in fairy outfits or dinosaur costumes at the shops because it means they got to pick their own clothes. I can understand dressing them for something important like weddings etc. or dressing them in something practical so they don’t trip over themselves or get a chill. But for a trip to the shops...I really think parents need to reassess who they are dressing their children for. They are not a fashion accessory nor are people judging you based on the look of your child, especially not someone who has children themselves- they know exactly the World War you went through just to negotiate Bob the Builder undies this morning.
My qualm with white is not that I don't like the colour; it's lovely if you can keep food off it. Kids are dirty and some times cannot even keep their mushed pumpkin inside their mouth. And as they get older, sure, they can eat fairly neatly but insist on playing on the ground or with dirt. And even the simplest things such as wiping their organic, 100% preservative, colour and taste free food down the front of their pants because they are yet to learn the social importance of a napkin. This is where white pants are impractical.
Mothers; save you and your maid the extra Nappysan and dress the kids in a colour that hides the joys of being a child. Being a child is the only time of your life that you are aloud to sit on the shop floor playing with matchbox cars, run around inside the clothing racks and wipe that dirt from tadpole catching on your pants, so don't stifle that fun. Kids are growing up too fast; don't push it that little bit quicker.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
What if someone knows your address...nothing will happen.
Some adults have a very high opinion of themselves. According to them people want to steal their children, rob their house, spy on them and worship the very ground they walk on.
I came across this strange sense of self worship that adults have at my work. I work in retail. Yes, go me and my Gen Y/ borderline dole bludging career. Anyway, whenever we do a refund or give a credit note we need to get personal detail from the customer. Not their credit card details, not their sex history or their mother maiden name. Just a very simple, very non-federal police questions of name, address and phone number. Now these are the details you give to a friend, a mailing list or your Internet provider. HEAPS of people have this info! But, will you give it to poor innocent me just trying my ass off not to get fired.
Oh hell no.
Let me explain why we need this info. It is just to legally cover our rear-ends as retail assistants. It's to make sure that we are not giving each other refunds and credit notes just for the hell of it.
So what happened today was I asked a 'Eastern suburbs mother' for her details, ensuring to advise her this information was confidential and not going to be pasted onto any 3rd party.
You'd have thought I'd asked for her kidneys, both, and perhaps...i don't know...half her cerebral cortex...
"I'll give you my last name and signature" she said.
I kindly explained (whilst the Lauren in my head was growling, speaking through gritted teeth and yelling FUCK every 10 seconds) that this was for a legal purpose and that I needed her to be as detailed as possible.
Then we embarked on World War Three.
"Why are you entitled to this information! This is confidential and to be given at my own discretion!" Please note: this was not delivered in a cold and cruel tone but rather that the flying monkeys from 'The Wizard of Oz' were giving me a piece of their mind.
So I gave up.
What I really wanted to know was; why won't you give out this information? What do I want it for? I have no interest in you, especially since you have just yelled at me (cue bruised ego). I am not planning to use this information to hunt down your prissy children or turn up at your house on a Saturday night looking to crack a cold one.
I don't care about you. And yet you believe I do.
It make me think that everyone is so afraid of their precious privacy that no one is taking advantage of it. Think of it this way- if there are four people in the room, one in each corner being all private-like, who is robbing them blind??
No one. Makes me think I should start a new career, eh?
So everyone, just chill out. Think of it this way- We already know eveything about you, so there's nothing to hide.
Your neighbour knows your address.
Your mother knows your phone number.
Every shop attendant has seen your signature,
And every single person you invited to your wedding knows both your maiden name and your new one.
I came across this strange sense of self worship that adults have at my work. I work in retail. Yes, go me and my Gen Y/ borderline dole bludging career. Anyway, whenever we do a refund or give a credit note we need to get personal detail from the customer. Not their credit card details, not their sex history or their mother maiden name. Just a very simple, very non-federal police questions of name, address and phone number. Now these are the details you give to a friend, a mailing list or your Internet provider. HEAPS of people have this info! But, will you give it to poor innocent me just trying my ass off not to get fired.
Oh hell no.
Let me explain why we need this info. It is just to legally cover our rear-ends as retail assistants. It's to make sure that we are not giving each other refunds and credit notes just for the hell of it.
So what happened today was I asked a 'Eastern suburbs mother' for her details, ensuring to advise her this information was confidential and not going to be pasted onto any 3rd party.
You'd have thought I'd asked for her kidneys, both, and perhaps...i don't know...half her cerebral cortex...
"I'll give you my last name and signature" she said.
I kindly explained (whilst the Lauren in my head was growling, speaking through gritted teeth and yelling FUCK every 10 seconds) that this was for a legal purpose and that I needed her to be as detailed as possible.
Then we embarked on World War Three.
"Why are you entitled to this information! This is confidential and to be given at my own discretion!" Please note: this was not delivered in a cold and cruel tone but rather that the flying monkeys from 'The Wizard of Oz' were giving me a piece of their mind.
So I gave up.
What I really wanted to know was; why won't you give out this information? What do I want it for? I have no interest in you, especially since you have just yelled at me (cue bruised ego). I am not planning to use this information to hunt down your prissy children or turn up at your house on a Saturday night looking to crack a cold one.
I don't care about you. And yet you believe I do.
It make me think that everyone is so afraid of their precious privacy that no one is taking advantage of it. Think of it this way- if there are four people in the room, one in each corner being all private-like, who is robbing them blind??
No one. Makes me think I should start a new career, eh?
So everyone, just chill out. Think of it this way- We already know eveything about you, so there's nothing to hide.
Your neighbour knows your address.
Your mother knows your phone number.
Every shop attendant has seen your signature,
And every single person you invited to your wedding knows both your maiden name and your new one.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Adult Friends
Why are adult friends so hard to find?
I left school and moved to the big smoke to study acting assuming that upon arriving here I would meet cultured people left, right and centre and we would have a great group of 'pals' who would all partying and laugh and hang out together.
This fantasy has not actualised itself. Thus I am at home on a Saturday night, writing a blog, with "Around the World in 80 Days" on in the background (this is possibly the worst film IN THE WORLD).
Here is my problem. I am not an anti-social person. In fact I would refer to myself as an over social person. I adore people to the point of striking up involved conversations with everyone from my waxer to the check out girl. So I in turn believed I would have no troubles making a great group of friends. Just like the ones I left at home.
Please note: I am not looking to replace said wondrous friends at home just find someone to occupy my time here without spending my weekend longingly watching peoples facebook pages and wishing I was back at home attending otherwise boring events.
I have met people here. I just don't 'hang out' with anyone. sob.
At acting school I have met some great people. However no real friendship has emerged. See, we only see each other once a week. This appears to not really be enough to make buds out of people. Also people are always busy, god damn it! When I'm working they are not. When I'm free they are at work. Or so they tell me.
I also have a huge problem with forcing friendships. I don't want to have to chase people down and stalk them to hang around with them. Maybe I should be doing that. I just don't really know how to ask to be friends with someone without taking myself back to my primary school days of requesting friendship so simply with other equally illiterate members of society.
Also, they all have boyfriends. People with boyfriends are useless to me! Utterly useless. In fact, attached people should all be exiled so the rest of us can get on with it without the constant reminders of our singledom.
So after a bunch of group 'dates' with acting people I am still not on terms of going out with some or even one of them outside of school!
Then there is work, oh work, again utterly useless. As a casual employee all my other casual colleagues are uni students. Complete with their own group of uni friends. This would be fine, if someone wanted to invite me to hang out with them...
But here we arise at the problem with adults. They don't do that! They just go about their little secular lives. Here is my question for readers.
How do you break into a friend circle without being desperate?
I am actually at the point of joining a club. However, upon the perusal of the local paper I can only find knitting, mahjong and an under 18's amateur theatre company as my places for friends. Two too old, the other too young.
Now I should just have a Bridget Jones moment- wear penguin pajamas, badly drum along to "All by myself" and start chain smoking...
..and eventually die alone at 300 pounds with a chocolate bar stuck to my face.
I left school and moved to the big smoke to study acting assuming that upon arriving here I would meet cultured people left, right and centre and we would have a great group of 'pals' who would all partying and laugh and hang out together.
This fantasy has not actualised itself. Thus I am at home on a Saturday night, writing a blog, with "Around the World in 80 Days" on in the background (this is possibly the worst film IN THE WORLD).
Here is my problem. I am not an anti-social person. In fact I would refer to myself as an over social person. I adore people to the point of striking up involved conversations with everyone from my waxer to the check out girl. So I in turn believed I would have no troubles making a great group of friends. Just like the ones I left at home.
Please note: I am not looking to replace said wondrous friends at home just find someone to occupy my time here without spending my weekend longingly watching peoples facebook pages and wishing I was back at home attending otherwise boring events.
I have met people here. I just don't 'hang out' with anyone. sob.
At acting school I have met some great people. However no real friendship has emerged. See, we only see each other once a week. This appears to not really be enough to make buds out of people. Also people are always busy, god damn it! When I'm working they are not. When I'm free they are at work. Or so they tell me.
I also have a huge problem with forcing friendships. I don't want to have to chase people down and stalk them to hang around with them. Maybe I should be doing that. I just don't really know how to ask to be friends with someone without taking myself back to my primary school days of requesting friendship so simply with other equally illiterate members of society.
Also, they all have boyfriends. People with boyfriends are useless to me! Utterly useless. In fact, attached people should all be exiled so the rest of us can get on with it without the constant reminders of our singledom.
So after a bunch of group 'dates' with acting people I am still not on terms of going out with some or even one of them outside of school!
Then there is work, oh work, again utterly useless. As a casual employee all my other casual colleagues are uni students. Complete with their own group of uni friends. This would be fine, if someone wanted to invite me to hang out with them...
But here we arise at the problem with adults. They don't do that! They just go about their little secular lives. Here is my question for readers.
How do you break into a friend circle without being desperate?
I am actually at the point of joining a club. However, upon the perusal of the local paper I can only find knitting, mahjong and an under 18's amateur theatre company as my places for friends. Two too old, the other too young.
Now I should just have a Bridget Jones moment- wear penguin pajamas, badly drum along to "All by myself" and start chain smoking...
..and eventually die alone at 300 pounds with a chocolate bar stuck to my face.
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